I want to apologize and warn you in advance that this post is going to be very long. Let preface things with saying that I have written things as long as I can remember; stories, poems, letters (though I seldom mailed them), diaries, you name it. Often, I am hit with something that I NEED to write and it will not leave me until it is written down. That is exactly what happened the other night as I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep. The story that I am going to add here filled my head and would not be ignored. It took me a couple of days to get it all written out but the story was all there in a flash. I was not sure what to do with it once it was written so I thought that I would put it here. As I said, it is long so be prepared. LOL.


The Best Christmas Ever!

It was still dark and the room was very cold when Emily woke up. It was so cold that she could see her breath clouding in the air. She pulled the quilt her Mama had made for her last Christmas tightly around her to try to hold in the last little bit of body heat left in the folds of fabric. She knew that Papa would already be downstairs in the shop where he was first and foremost a harness maker but he also did blacksmithing and whatever else he could do to help those in town or earn some money for the family. It would be nice and warm in the shop. Emily also knew that Mama would be in the kitchen starting breakfast and the fire would be burning so it would be warm there too but the thought of crawling out of her bed to make her way to the kitchen and the warmth of the fire was more than Emily could stand. She knew the boards of the floor would be like ice on her feet.

She reached for her shoes and tried to get them on her feet without letting any of the cold air in under the blanket. She was never able to do that but she always tried. She didn’t bother to tie her shoes though. She stood up and pulled her blanket with her wrapping it tightly around her as her feet hit the floor. She grabbed her dress as she quickly made her way to the kitchen stopping only long enough to tell her brother William it was time to get up. In the kitchen, she hung her dress over the back of a chair and moved the chair close to the wood stove. This way, her dress would be warm before she had to put it on. She sat down and soaked in the wonderful warmth from the fire burning brightly in the woodstove.

As usually, Mama told Emily to move the chair back before she burned up her dress, her blanket and started the house on fire. She sounded angry but Emily knew that it was just an act and slid her chair a tiny bit away from the stove with a smile on her face. Aside from the warmth coming from the stove there are also already wonderful smells drifting towards Emily. Just then, with a hoot and a holler, William came barreling into the kitchen shouting Happy Thanksgiving to Mama and Emily. He was excited in a way that only an innocent child can be. He was only 6 and too young to understand how tough times were for this small, loving family. For him there was the excitement of a day off of school and the small chicken that would be dinner that night. He could not remember the days when Thanksgiving meant a goose so big it would hardly fit in the stove surrounded by all the other trimmings. Emily was 10 and had faint memories of those days but often thought it just dreams created in her mind from stories she had read in books. Mama told William to go tell Papa that the biscuits were ready for breakfast and William ran down the stairs to the shop hollering all the way.

Both Emily and Mama shook their heads. In so many ways, Emily was much older than her years. She was so aware of the difficulties her family and friends faced. Money was always a struggle for them. Breakfast was almost always biscuits spread with bacon grease. Usually, lunch was more of the same carried to school in a metal lunch bucket. If they were lucky, there might be a small piece of meat left over from dinner the night before stuck in the biscuit with the lard but that seldom happened. Sometimes Emily would look with longing at the lunches of a few of the boys and girls at school whose families did not struggle so. Emily had one friend that almost always had bread with meat or jam inside as well as real butter and never lard. Emily knew that she should not be jealous of what others had but should instead be grateful for the things she and her family did have, but there were times that she could not help but long for something better. Today, being Thanksgiving, Emily was feeling that nagging feeling of wishing for more mixed with the guilt of knowing that she should be even more grateful today for what they did have. These thoughts were written on her face as clear as day as Mama watched Emily drop her blanket and quickly put on her dress. Mama too, wished for so much more for her family but was better able to balance that with being so glad that she was able to put any food on the table.

“I know that it is not a big goose with all the fixings Emily, but we will have a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner with the family.” Mama said with a big smile on her face just as Papa and William came into the room for breakfast.

This being a holiday morning, meant that Emily could not take the eggs from the chickens to the general store to sell so Mama had made biscuits, scrambled eggs and bacon. This helped both Mama and Emily to put aside their longing and the four of them sat down to eat. William, not at all aware of the feelings Mama and Emily were fighting, bombarded Mama with questions about those big goose dinners she had mentioned. Mama easily got lost in memories and dreams of better times and talked on about all the wonderful things she would cook for Thanksgiving dinner during those “better times”. She told of a goose as big as William, bread stuffing, salad made with apples, celery, nuts, and whipped cream. She talked about sweet potatoes cooked with sugar and molasses, white potatoes almost drowning in gravy, carrots and pecan pies. Emily listened to Mama talking about that dream dinner and she heard how happy those thought made her. In her mind, she began to make a list of all the things Mama would like to have for that wonderful dinner and the things it would take to make them.

As soon as she could sneak away for a few minutes after breakfast, Emily went to her room with a pencil and a small piece of paper she had found. She quickly wrote down all the things Mama would need to make that huge dinner she dreamed of. She tucked the piece of paper in her pocket where no one would find it. She had an idea for Mama for Christmas. She wanted to make this the best Christmas ever for Mama, Papa and William. She returned to the kitchen to help Mama with their Thanksgiving feast but her mind was on other things. She had a smile on her face as she worked and thank goodness most of the chores she had to do could be done without much thought because the only thing she could think about was the list she carried in her pocket and her Plan.

Both Mama and Emily spent the day lost in their own thoughts but they managed to have a good day. They cooked what they had and it was a very good meal. Papa commented at dinner how juicy the chicken was and good everything else was. Mama and Emily had even made an apple pie which was a real treat. Emily thought through her Plan and rehearsed a speech about a million times. She hoped and she prayed that she could carry out her plan but she knew that it would require help. She prayed that the help would come. As she crawled into bed that night, she prayed hard that God would see fit to open Mrs. Mueller’s heart the next day so that she would be able and willing to help Emily provide her family, especially her Mama, with the best Christmas ever. Emily also thought about others in town she could get to help her. She knew that everyone in town liked her family and respected her Mama and Papa for all the hard work they did for others, often without taking anything in return. If anyone is town was sick, Mama was the first to run over to care for them and Papa never refused to mend a harness, a saddle or shoe a horse whether the person asking could afford to pay him or not.

The next morning when she woke, the first thought in her mind was her Plan. That is how she thought if it; Plan with a capital P. The excitement of starting her plan kept her from lingering in bed as she normally did. Instead she jumped up and dressed quickly before going into the kitchen. Mama was surprised but didn’t say anything about it. It was clear to her that Emily had something on her mind but Mama was not one to pry too much. Emily helped Mama with the breakfast of biscuits and bacon grease. She got William up and while he dressed, went to the shop herself to fetch Papa. As soon as breakfast was finished, she put on her coat and told Mama she was going to get the eggs and take them to Mrs. Mueller. Some mornings as she did this chore, she only half-heartedly looked in the nests for the eggs but this morning, she looked extra carefully so as not to miss a single egg. She was hoping to find a few more than normal. Usually, she was able to take about 18 eggs to the general store each day. Today, she found 24. Maybe that was a sign from God that he was going to answer her prayers.

With her basket full of eggs, she hurried down the street to the general store. She was always careful not to break a single one on her way since the egg money was what paid for things like cloth for clothes, shoes, socks, Papa’s pipe tobacco, and often made the difference in whether or not they had food to eat. It depended a lot on how many people were able to pay Papa for his work. Sometimes people paid him with vegetables they had grown. Once he was even paid for a saddle with piglet. That year, they ate well. Emily again practiced her speech as she walked to the store and stood patiently waiting for Mrs. Mueller to finish with another customer. Mrs. Mueller looked over the eggs and counted them. She told Emily how much she would put on their account for the eggs and was surprised when Emily continued to stand there, usually she would just say thank you and run off to whatever else the day held in store for her.

“Is there something else I can do for you this morning Emily?” Mrs. Mueller asked.

Emily said one last silent prayer, cleared her throat, pulled the list from her pocket placing it on the counter and began to speak, “Mrs. Mueller, can you please tell me how much it would cost for all the things on this list?”

Mrs. Mueller looked over the list and tried hard not to show her surprise. She could not remember the last time the Baker’s had bought a goose but she knew that it had been many years. She also took note of the fact that the handwriting was that of Emily and not Mrs. Baker. Normally when Emily came in with a list, Mrs. Baker had written it out and Emily would pick up the items when she delivered the eggs but this list was different. Mrs. Mueller also noticed that this was a detailed list of items for a feast. Silently she added up the items on the list and when she was done, she told Emily the amount. It was more money that Emily had ever seen in her life and her heart fell. Doubt at being able to bring her Plan into being crept into her heart and mind. Mrs. Mueller could see all this since Emily’s face should every bit of her emotion.

“What is this about Emily? I can see this is not your Mother’s handwriting and this list looks like a very special dinner. What is the occasion?”

Emily mustered her courage and pushed down her doubt and went ahead with her Plan. “Mrs. Mueller yesterday was Thanksgiving and for dinner we had a small chicken that was barely enough to feed all four of us. As Mama and I were preparing the meal, she talked about her dream of making a feast fit for a king complete with a goose and all the fixings. I know that since you and Mr. Mueller run the shop by yourselves it is sometimes difficult for you to do all that needs to be done. I am a very hard worker! I know how to read, write and do numbers. I am not afraid of hard work and am very strong for my size. I was hoping that perhaps… just maybe… there might be some things I could do around here to help you in return for at least part of the things on this list so that I could give Mama and my family the best Christmas ever. I would be willing to come in everyday during lunchtime at school and everyday after school to help you. I did not expect the price of the things on the list to be so much but I will find some others in town I might be able to work for too in order to earn the money to pay for those things if you will help me.”

Mrs. Mueller stood in shocked silence for a moment fighting back the tears that threatened to pour from her eyes. She thought back over the years and all the times that the Baker’s had been there to help others. She thought about just a few short years ago when scarlet fever had come through town and how Emily had taken over the care of young William and the running of the house so that Mrs. Baker could help care for the sick housed in the church without a thought to her own safety. Two of those that had been sick and died were Mrs. Mueller’s own children. She thought about how sensitive Emily had been to not mention that in her speech. She thought about how grateful she had been that Mrs. Baker had been there to hold and comfort her children right to their last breath. She looked over the list again and thought about those people in town who had also been helped so many times over the years by the Baker family and quickly thought of who might have what extra they could contribute to fulfill the list.

“Well Miss Baker, I think that you and I should go have a cup of tea and talk about this proposal. Perhaps we can come to some kind of arrangement.”

Mrs. Mueller and Emily sat at the kitchen table and drank a cup of tea while they discussed Emily’s Plan. Mrs. Mueller said that Emily needed to focus on school during the day but if she would come to the store after school and work for one hour, then work for half a day on Saturday, Mrs. Mueller would provide Emily with the goose she wanted for Christmas. She would also talk to some of the other people in town and help Emily come up with the rest of the items she would need to fulfill the list and her family would have the perfect Christmas dinner. They agreed that Emily should tell her Mama and Papa where she would be and that she had agreed to help at the store. Mrs. Mueller suggested that Emily also say it partially because she was so lonely since losing her children. That would make the store believable she said. What Mrs. Mueller did not tell Emily was that she had a Plan of her own and the Baker family would have not only the perfect Christmas dinner but would have the best Christmas they had every had.

When Emily got home Mama asked what had taken her so long and said that she was starting to get worried. Emily told her that she had spent a little time visiting with Mrs. Mueller. It seems that Mrs. Mueller is a little lonely since losing her children to scarlet fever so she had invited Emily for a cup of tea. She also asked if Emily would help her out with a few things at the store after school and on Saturdays. Emily did not tell Mama about the surprise of course but she could not lie to Mama about where she would be or what she would be doing either. She told Mama that she just felt like helping Mrs. Mueller was something she had to do. Mama knew as well as anyone how hard it had been on Mrs. Mueller to lose her children and was so touched that Emily wanted to do something to help out Mrs. Mueller.

Both Mama and Papa were certain that there was something else going on, some other reason that Emily was going to help Mrs. Mueller at the store but they were not the kind to pry into things unless there was a good reason to. They were sure that whatever was going on, they would find out about in good time. They also trusted Emily to not do anything improper. So they accepted the story she told them and agreed to let her work at the store as long as she continued to do well in school and kept up with her chores at home. Emily was old her years and had never given them a moments worry. She had stepped in last year during the scarlet fever outbreak and taken over for Mama at home so that Mama could go to the church and help care for the sick. She had cooked, cleaned, watched after William, kept up with her chores, and even mended Papa’s shirt when it got torn in the harness shop one afternoon.

True to her word, Mrs. Mueller spoke with Mr. Smitt the next time he stopped in the general store and informed him that she would need the biggest goose he had at Christmas time. She told him the story about her visit with Emily Baker. This almost brought Mr. Smitt to tears. He thought back to last year and how Mrs. Baker had cared for his darling wife when she had scarlet fever. Luckily, his wife had recovered for the most part. She had not been the same since then but at least she was alive. He knew that he had Mrs. Baker to thank for that. He also thought about the times that Mr. Baker had repaired tacking for his horses and wagon, a wagon wheel that had been replaced and all the times Mr. Baker had shoed horses for him. Many of these things were done either free of charge or at ridiculously low rates. Mr. Smitt could not count the number of times he had been forced to pay later for work done by Mr. Baker because there simply wasn’t money to pay. Mr. Smitt told Mrs. Mueller that he would be honored to provide her with the goose free of charge for the Baker family and that the secret was safe with him. He suggested that they also speak with Mr. Miller about milk, cream and butter to help with the meal.

Over the next few weeks, Emily showed up at the store promptly after school and worked harder than anyone Mrs. Mueller had ever seen. She swept floors, washed windows, put bolts of cloth that weighed almost as much as her up on the top of the shelves, only to get it back down again when one of the women came in and just had to have that new cloth. She helped customers carry their goods to their wagons, often surprising everyone with her strength. Mrs. Mueller spoke to all those in town who sold supplies to the store and each and everyone of them instantly offered to provide items for the “List” for the Baker family and of course to keep the secret. All of them knew how proud the Baker family was and how humiliated they would be if they thought that this dinner was charity. To those in town who were contributing, it was not charity but instead was a very small way of paying the Baker family back for all they had done for others over the years.

Each morning, she would help with breakfast, gather the eggs and head off to the store with the eggs before going to school. Each night after returning home, no matter how tired she was, Emily fed the chickens and the horses, cleaned the chicken coop and the stalls, helped Mama with dinner and dishes and worked on school work until Mama finally told her it was time to stop and go to bed. When she crawled into bed at night, she was so tired; she was asleep almost before her head hit the pillow. Saturdays, she would get up early so that she could do some of her chores before going to the store with the eggs and to work until lunchtime. Never once did she complain and never did she give away the secret at all. Mama and Papa had no idea why Emily was working so hard.

On December 23rd just as Emily was preparing to finish at the shop and head home, Mrs. Mueller asked to speak with her. “Emily, you have worked so very hard this last month, I am not sure how I managed without you before. I know that our agreement was for you to work for me until Christmas but I would like to know if you would be willing to continue. I would like to have you work on Saturday from 8:00 in the morning until we close the store at 4:00. I will pay you one dollar a day and will also provide you with lunch on the days you work. I think that during the week, you should focus on your studies though. What do you think?”

Emily was so excited she could hardly stand it. The thought of having a whole dollar a week to help the family out was like a dream come true. She told Mrs. Mueller that she would need to talk to Mama and Papa but that if they agreed, she would love to do that. They also talked and decided that Mr. Mueller would deliver the goose and the other things on the “List” to the Baker house very late that night after the family had all gone to sleep. He could quietly bring it up the back steps into the kitchen and put it on the table. No one would know where it came from except Emily of course. Mrs. Mueller promised that everything they would need to make this the best Christmas ever would be inside the packages. Delivering it tonight would allow Mama time to prepare her perfect Christmas dinner for her family. Mrs. Mueller told Emily that since the next day was Christmas Eve she did not need to come to the store and the store was closed on Christmas so she would see Emily the day after Christmas at which time she would expect an answer about the job.

Emily skipped all the way home. She had a very hard time keeping her secret and simply could not wait until the morning when the family would find the packages from the store on the table. All evening, Mama and Papa knew that something was up. They knew that Emily was keeping a big secret but did not let on that they knew and they had no idea what the secret was. At dinner, Emily told Mama and Papa about the offer Mrs. Mueller had made for Emily to work in the store on Saturdays for a dollar a day. Mama and Papa assumed that this is what had Emily so excited. They agreed that she could continue working at the store. Secretly, they were very thankful because they knew that the extra money would help the family out a lot. That night, Emily could not sleep. She lay awake in her bed thanking God over and over for helping her fulfill her Plan and for Mrs. Mueller. She thought about all the things she could do for her family with the money she would earn working at the store. She never heard a sound and at some point fell asleep.

The next morning, Emily woke to Mama yelling for Papa in a way that she never did. At first, Emily thought there was something terribly wrong. She jumped out of bed and raced to the kitchen. There stood Mama by the kitchen table which was loaded with wooden boxes from the general store. In the center of it all was a goose almost as big as William. Just then, Papa came running into the room as well. His jaw dropped almost to the floor. Neither Mama nor Papa were sure how this had all gotten here or where it had come from but they somehow knew that Emily had something to do with it. They were not sure whether or not to be excited or angry. They both looked at Emily for some kind of explanation.

Emily suggested that they put things away and that she would explain things. Without another word, she turned on her heels and went to get dressed. By the time she returned to the kitchen, Mama had all the items out of the boxes and spread all over the kitchen. She was trying to organize where to put things until it was time to use them. Emily stepped in and helped. So did Papa and even little William. Every single item that had been on Emily’s list was there and even more. There were things that Emily had not even thought of that they might need for the perfect Christmas dinner there on the table, the counters and filling the chairs. There was one box in Papa’s chair filled with packages wrapped in brown paper and tied with string. Emily could see that each package had one of their names neatly written in Mrs. Mueller’s handwriting. As they put away all the food, Emily told her family about the idea she had gotten at Thanksgiving dinner. She told of going and talking to Mrs. Mueller and offering to work in the store in exchange for the items on her list. Mama cried as she listened to the story and put away all the wonderful treasures.

Once the food supplies were put away, they all stood looking at the box of packages. “Well Emily, this is your Christmas surprise so I think you should decide when we open these.” Papa said.

“Well I don’t know anything about these things, they were not on my list Papa.” Emily said. “So, I think that we should go find us a Christmas tree and put these packages underneath to open in the morning.”

“That is a wonderful idea Emily!” Mama said. “I can not remember the last time we had a Christmas tree with presents underneath. Then we can start our preparations for the biggest feast ever tomorrow.”

They spent the rest of the day decorating the house and the Christmas tree, baking pies and doing whatever they could do ahead of time for their Christmas feast. It was so hard to leave the packages alone and not open them. Each of them found themselves near the tree peeking to see which packages had their name on them throughout the day. But they all managed to get through the day without peeking inside a single package. Just before bed, they hung their stockings near the fireplace as they always did on Christmas Eve. Emily knew that Mama and Papa were the ones that placed the little goodies in the stockings, not St. Nichols as some children believed. She hoped that her Plan and the extra things that had come with the items on her list had not taken away the joy Mama and Papa must feel giving those small goodies each year. She hoped and prayed that it would instead add to their joy. She prayed that Mama and Papa knew that she appreciated all they did for her and William but that she had only wanted to do something special for Mama and the rest of the family too. She decided that she needed to talk to Mama and Papa and make sure they understood so she waited for William to go to bed then she told them how she felt and the tears poured from her eyes and she told them how much she appreciated all they did for her and William. She loved them so much. Both Mama and Papa hugged her tight and told her they understood. They told her how much they loved her and how special her surprise was to them. Then they all went to bed to try and sleep. None of them slept very well that night with the excitement and anticipation of what the morning would bring.

It was still dark and the room was very cold when Emily woke up. It was so cold that she could see her breath clouding in the air. She pulled the quilt her Mama had made for her last Christmas tightly around her to try to hold in the last little bit of body heat left in the folds of fabric. At first, the thought of crawling out of her bed to make her way to the kitchen and the warmth of the fire was more than Emily could stand. She knew the boards of the floor would be like ice on her feet. Then she remembered what day it was…Christmas Day! There was the tree they had found and decorated yesterday and all the packages waiting for them in the corner of their large kitchen. She listened for just a moment wondering if anyone else was awake yet. She had no idea what time it was. Just then William came tip toeing into her room.

“Emmy, you awake?” whispered William.

“Yes William. Are Mama and Papa awake?” She replied.

“I don’t know if they are awake but they aren’t up yet.”

“Do you know what time it is?”

“Papa’s watch on the mantle says that it is 5:00.”

“Well, I guess we can get up now. Let me get into my dress and we will stoke up the fire in the kitchen and then go see if Mama and Papa are awake, okay?”

She climbed out of bed and slipped her dress over her head. She put on her shoes to keep her feet warm and the two quietly made their way to the kitchen. Emily put the coffee on the stove to get it cooking before she and William went to tap and Mama and Papa’s door. By the time they were all in the kitchen, the coffee was done and Emily poured them each a steaming cup. William was about turning himself inside out with the anticipation of opening all the wonderful packages. At last, Papa said he thought it was time to see what the brown paper held for them. They started with their stockings. Each stocking had a peppermint stick, and the foot was filled with nuts. Emily’s had a book, William’s had a ball, and Papa’s had a small bag of pipe tobacco and some mustache wax. Mama’s had a shiny new pair of scissors.

The first package from under the tree had Mama’s name on it. She carefully untied the string and unwrapped the paper. Inside she found some beautiful blue flowered cloth. She unfolded it and saw that there was enough to make a new dress for herself, one for Emily and more than likely enough to add to other scraps she had for a new quilt as well. The next package had Papa’s name on it. His package held a brand new wool union suit to help keep him warm in the winter weather. There was a package for William next. It contained a bright, shiny truck with a wind up key on one side. When he wound it up, it went scooting across the kitchen floor. Everyone laughed as William run after it. There was a package for Emily that had a beautiful rag doll with bright red yarn hair. There were packages with wool socks for each of them. There were new pants for William and Papa. There was a box with several spools of thread for Mama and the last package had Emily’s name on it. Inside she found a wooden box. She opened the box there lay an envelope with her name written in Mrs. Mueller’s handwriting. She took it out and began to read:

My dearest friend Miss Emily Baker,

When you first came to me after Thanksgiving and asked me to help you with this surprise for your family, I was delighted to have the opportunity to do something to for them as they have done so much for this town and the people in it over the years. But I also accepted your proposal for selfish reasons. I have missed my children so terrible since their deaths last year. I am sure that you knew that but never mentioned it as I know you did not want to hurt my feelings or bring those sad thoughts to mind. During the time you have worked for me, I gained a great respect for you, what a hard worker you are and how much you love your family. You have brought joy, love and laughter back into my life and my home in the time we have spent together.

In trying to help you fulfill your dream of giving your family the best Christmas ever, I have talked to many people in this town. Every one of them has had nothing but good things to say about your family and all they have done to help others. I asked each of them to tell the story of how your family helped theirs. If they could write it down, they did and it is here in this box. If they could not write it down, I have written it for them. Many of them contributed some of the items either for your special dinner or for the packages under the tree. Since almost all of the items were contributed by others, you will also find the money you earned while working in the store and a small token of my affection.

Sincerely your friend,
Mrs. Mueller

Tears were coursing down the cheeks of all by William who was still distracted with his truck. Emily looked at the letters from their friends in town. She was afraid to try and read anymore right now. She found in the bottom of the box, a beautiful gold cross on a chain and $15.00, more money than she had seen at one time in her life. She and Mama decided that they would read the letters later on days when they felt sad or lonely. Emily placed the gold chain around her neck where it would stay for years and years to come. She and Mama got busy making the goose dinner and it truly was the best Christmas ever.

I recent watched the movie "Patch Adams". In that movie, Patch tries to read a poem to the girl he loves but is interrupted. He is not able to finish reading it until after she dies and he reads it over her casket. I love that poem and so went searching for it. Here is what I found:


Pablo Neruda
Sonnet XVII (100 Love Sonnets, 1960)

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.


Then this morning, I was watching TV and heard something else that touched me. It went something like this:

"Don't let the disappointments and mistakes of the past prevent you from experiencing the joys and the accomplishments of today."

I know those two things are a little random and they are not really connected to each other but they are both things that caught my attention in the last couple of days and touched me. I have been struggling the last week or so with a case of 'the funk'. I have been a little worried (ok more than a little worried) about money, the future, where I am going in my job, missing my kiddos, the list of worries could go on and on. The poem helped me remember how much I love Kevin, how safe and happy I feel when I am with him. Usually, the worries of the world fall away when we are together. The other statement helped me remember that if I allow myself to focus on the past or the worries; I will miss some if not all of the joys of today. At least for today, I am choosing to put the worries aside and focus on the love I feel for Kevin and all my kiddos, the joys that today bring and each accomplishment no matter how big or small it may be.

As I sat writing this blog this morning, I got an email from my brother. I took the time to look at it and I am so thankful that I did. It was very short. It simply said that I must absolutely see something and there was a link there. I clicked on the link and was blessed with a video that is truly amazing. This man is proving to the world that “Nothing” does not exist. He taught me that regardless of how small and insignificant I may feel, I can do something amazing and can change the world in some way if I just set my mind to it. Here is the link, I hope that you too may find it amazing and that you will allow this incredible man to make a difference in your life.

http://www.maniacworld.com/art-in-the-eye-of-a-needle.html

One other thing that I heard recently that has made a difference in how I am feeling was on the radio the other day. We were listening to a talk show on public radio by a man that has studied Thomas Jefferson a great deal. The first part of his show, he talks about different subjects as if he is Thomas Jefferson. During part of his show, he takes questions from emails, letters, and phone calls and answers them as he feels Thomas Jefferson would answer them if he were alive today. It is usually a very interesting show. This last Sunday, towards the end of the show, he said something really interesting. I will try to paraphrase it. He said something to the effect that someone had once told him that if the water table in a given location is at 100 feet, it did not matter how many 90 foot wells a person drilled. He said that each and every person in the world is blessed with some gift, some talent, and some passion. That in order to change the world, we must each find that gift, talent or passion. We must then dig straight down until we reach the water table regardless of what others around us say or think. If we listen to others that we are drilling in the wrong place and allow them to influence us into moving to another spot to start drilling again, we will never reach the water table beneath us but if we stay our course, hold to our belief and keep drilling, we will find our well.

I hope that we are all able to find our gift, our talent and our passion. I hope that we are each able to keep drilling until we find the well beneath us.

I prayed and I wept

Last night, after the time I should have been in bed, I was moved to write this but decided to wait until this morning to post it.

Today was Election Day!

I prayed that God would give all those who were casting ballots the wisdom to vote for those individuals who would lead us in the direction we should go, the direction that would be the best for all of us.

I prayed as I sat at a small table with the ballot before me that I would have the wisdom to elect those individuals who would do the best job for the future of my family, my community, my state, our nation and perhaps even the world.

I marked my ballot. I dropped it in the box. I held my breath waiting for the results.

I turned on the news but could not stand the tension and the conflicting reports. I changed the channel to something that would distract me and I held my breath.

A new President Elect was finally announced and I prayed that he would have courage, wisdom and strength to lead us in the way we should go and I wept.

I listened to his acceptance speech and I wept.

I heard him talk about our history. About people not so very long ago who could not vote because of their sex or the color of their skin and I wept tears of shame and pain for those on both sides of the issues that have come before us.

I heard him talk about reaching across the aisles of our difference, white and black, gay and straight, able and disabled, democratic and republican and I wept tears of hope for the future.

I heard him speak of the changes that have taken place in the last century and his dreams of changes for the next century and I wept tears of relief that perhaps he could bring about some of those changes.

I saw an African American man standing on that stage and I wept at the awesome privilege of witnessing history in the making.

For once, a man was judged based on the content of his character, the words from his heart, the hope he exudes and not on the color of his skin and I wept.

I prayed that all those who have gone before, all those who suffered so much to reach this day, are looking down and are proud that this day has come.

I prayed that this man who stood before us speaking words that moved me to tears can and will do even half of the things he dreams of and speaks of doing.

What a wonderful country this could be if he can continue to lead others to set aside their differences and their prejudices and come together for the good of this country and this world. I prayed that this is the day it will begin and I wept.

Today was Election Day and Barrack Obama became the first African American President Elect.

Too long once again

This week sure went by fast. Monday (Labor Day) Kevin, Amanda and I went into Pueblo to do the shopping for the concession stand in preparation of the first home football game. Tuesday it was back to work which included doing some training with my Aide of some changes in how we transport our handicapped student. There were some things that I learned at the conference this summer that we needed to do differently than we had been so I had to train her in how we were going to do them. Wednesday I had to go to training at the High school to prepare for substituting for the secretary which I did on Thursday. I did the things were left for me to do and had to ask for more work to keep myself busy. The principal gave me a job to do and was so impressed with how I was doing on it that she got permission from the superintendent to pay me to finish up the job this next week. Extra pay for me which never hurts the pocketbook. Yesterday we had back to school night and the first football game.

I worked in the concession stand which is what I normally do at the games. We had expected that we would not have that many sales because part of back to school night included free hot dogs in the cafeteria. Boy were we wrong! It was probably the busiest night we have had for concessions at least since I have been here. We grossed almost $1000 which meant about $400 in profit in 3 hours. We went through an entire gallon of popcorn oil, sold 95 orders of nachos, 85 orders of Frito pies, 80+ hot dogs, and the list goes on and on. We thought that we had purchased enough supplies for 2 games but will have to go back to Pueblo this week in order to have stuff for the game next weekend. About halfway through the night we were told that the drainage system for the concession stand and the bathrooms was not working right and we needed to try not to use the water anymore than necessary. So clean up after the game meant loading everything in the back of Kevin's truck, taking it to his house and he did all the dishes this morning. Even so, it was a late night last night.

Today has been a pretty lazy day for me. Mostly just playing my Pirate game online. Kevin did the dishes from last night and pulled some weeds in the yard until his allergies got the better of him. He has been laying down for a couple of hours in hopes that he would start feeling better. I hope that he does. I know how miserable that can be. I guess that is about all the news from this corner of the world for now.

Its been too long...

since I sat down and blogged. It has been a very busy couple of weeks. The day after we returned from Washington, I had in-service for work, an all day affair. There were several other training sessions, driving my route to find all the new houses, things that needed to be done to get Kevin's room ready for the start of school, a day spent working filling backpacks with school supplies that are given to our kids for the start of school. That is such a wonderful program! There is a grant through DSHS that allows them to purchase ALL the supplies our kids need for school: paper, pencils, crayons, markers, binders, notebooks, graph paper, calculators, even water bottles and backpacks. Each of the teachers in the district put together a list of supplies needed for their class and they are purchased from this grant. That way the kids have everything they need and the parents don't have to buy anything. This year I already have 14 new students on my route and will probably be getting more. It has been a challenge for me because we have to find the house or stop, write directions for our routes, each student is to have an assigned seat, we do all the record keeping ourselves instead of it been done on the computer somewhere. So that has been some extra work this last couple of weeks trying to get things in order and under control. I have also been sharing with some other people in the district some things I learned at a conference this summer regarding some changes or things that we have not been doing the best way possible so that has taken some time too.

Now we are getting into full swing with school. Both football and volleyball started and had their first games today. Kevin's pep band played at the volleyball game and then he and I went to the concession stand. It needed to be cleaned and prepared for football season. It had been used over the summer by another group and was kind of a mess with some of their stuff left there. Now we are back at his house enjoying the quiet and each working on our computers so I thought I would take a few minutes to catch up here.

I will try to do better about posting regularly.

Nanna/Mom/Lisa

Our Journey Home

After having had a very nice visit to Washington, with time to see my kids, grandkids, siblings, Mom, some dear friends and couple of places like the Pike Place Market, Zoo, World Spice Market, and Ted Brown Music, it was time to return home. Our flight was scheduled to leave at 9:00 am and we had to return our rental car so we left the hotel about 5:45 and arrived at the airport shortly after 6:00 to allow enough time. We were not sure exactly where we were supposed to go to turn in the car or how long that would take and didn’t want to run any chance of being late so decided we would prefer to allow extra time. It was a darn good thing we did that. On the way to the airport we needed to stop and fill up the gas tank on the rental car. The first gas station we stopped at would not take my debit card and would not take Kevin’s credit card either. We decided they just did not want our money so we went to find a gas station that did want our money. We found a station closer to the airport and again it would not take my card but at least it was willing to take Kevin’s card. Of course the gas was a little higher priced than it had been at the first station but at least that task was accomplished.

We got to the airport and followed the signs to the rental car return area. We found that really easily and there was a guy there to check us in which was accomplished before we were even able to get out of the car and get it unloaded. That was the quickest and easiest part of our trip home. We took our bags and made our way into the airport. At the terminal we discovered that of course, we were at the opposite end of the building from where our airline was so we weaved our way through the mass of bodies and luggage to the United counter. We got in line to get checked in. After waiting there for about 15 or 20 minutes we were already a little concerned about how long it was going to take us to get checked in. We arrived at spot in the line where they had a ticket agent who was directing us to go to the end of another line. This new line wound around and around inside the terminal, up the ramp, out the door and down the sidewalk outside. While we had been waiting in the first line we had overheard that there were several people who had missed their flight to Washington DC while waiting in line. We were pretty stressed by this point and rather concerned that we too might miss our flight even with allowing extra time.

We made our way outside and looked at how long the line was. The stress level (at least mine) was increasing. I am much better than I used to be but flying is still stressful for me so the added stress of the long lines and all the waiting was not helping at all. In the process of finding the end of the “five mile” line, we found a line for Curbside Check-in that line did not appear to be nearly as long however it required you to pay $2.00 per bag to check in. I dug around in my purse and had a five dollar bill so we jumped into the shorter curbside check in line. By this point it was almost 7:00. Our “extra” time was slipping away. It really only took about 15 minutes to get through the line and get checked in but it seemed like a lot longer.

Finally checked in we headed to security. The line there did not seem as long, that is until we got to the point where it splits off for the x-ray machines and the metal detectors where it was jam packed with people most of whom seem to have never been through airport security before and had no idea what to do or how to get through. We of course ended up in line behind a family with 3 kids. Not only did the parents not really know how to get through security smoothly but they were trying to teach their kids how to do it as well. Needless to say my stress level was increasing by the minute as was my desire for a cigarette, which the airport was kindly reminding me what seemed like every 30 seconds that I could not smoke in the airport.

We got through security and found our way to the North Satellite of the airport. We got coffee and something to eat before walking to the other end of that part of the airport to our gate. We arrived at our gate at 8:20 and were supposed to board at 8:30. We were a little later than that boarding but it was not to bad, it gave us time to eat our breakfast and for me to get the stress under control some. Once we got in the air, our flight was pretty good until we began to cross the Rocky Mountains where we hit some turbulence, but that is fairly normal. Touch Down! The excitement of the trip home is over, nothing left but getting our bags and the drive home right? Wrong!

We got our bags just fine in fact quicker than we expected to, they were not the last bags onto the carousel this time. We met up with Kevin’s parents who had brought our car to the airport for us to save us almost an hour on our return drive home. They are so great doing stuff like that for us. Jerry (Kevin’s Dad) said that he had checked the fluids in my car and added transmission fluid and antifreeze so we might want to keep an eye on the temperature gauge. They went to catch the city bus back home and we got on the freeway towards home. We had only gone a few miles when the car started to over heat. We got off the freeway and found a Wal-mart. Kevin went in and bought 2 gallons of antifreeze while I watched the water level in the radiator’s over-flow tank. We let it cool down and decided that maybe we should really let it cool while we went to get something to eat. We were a little concerned about how long the normally 3 hour drive might take us and there are not many places to eat along the way. After eating we put in about 1 ½ gallons of antifreeze before it was to the proper level and got back on the freeway.

We hit a couple of pretty good storm cells on our way home. I guess we brought some rain back to Colorado with us from Washington. There was one spot where it was raining so hard that even with the windshield wipers going full blast, you could barely see the road in front of you. Thank goodness Kevin was driving. Between the early morning we had had and the stress, I kept dozing off. We made it a little over half-way home and I woke up. Kevin was having trouble staying awake too so since I had taken a little “cat nap” we switched and I drove the rest of the way home. It was about 5:00 pm mountain time when we got home.

Monday I had to be at work at 8:00 am for driver in-service day. We had the joy of sitting through 6 hours of hearing reminders about rules, regulations, procedures and policies. The one good part of the day was that we had the fire chief and a fire fighter come to our meeting and we got to “play” with fire extinguishers. They started a fire in a metal drum that had been cut down and we got to put it out. Yesterday was spent unpacking and doing laundry to recover from the trip to Washington and start preparing for a trip next weekend to Montrose for a wedding. Amanda will be traveling from Washington to Denver by herself next Saturday while Kevin and I attend the wedding. I am really hoping that her trip home is less eventful than ours was. Kevin’s parents will pick her up at the Denver airport for us on Saturday and we will go get her from them on Sunday. Starting Monday, Kevin has to be in his classroom or in meeting during school hours for the week. I start driving again on Thursday since the kids have to be there for registration, orientation, getting their computers and school supplies. The following Monday school starts regular schedule and summer will officially be over for us. It has been a busy and active summer for all of us and not nearly long enough. I could use a couple more weeks of summer and I am pretty sure Kevin and Amanda would agree but I could be wrong.

Hectic...Crazy...Fun

Last Saturday after running a few errands and meeting with Amanda's boyfriend who is going to take care of Kevin's yard and fish pond while we are out of town, we drove to Boulder to stay overnight with Kevin's parents and be a little closer to the airport in order to leave on Sunday. We went to dinner at this great Scottish restaurant and then walked around the Boulder Mall. Boulder Mall is an area of downtown that has been closed to vehicle traffic and is filled with shops and from what I am told "two of every weird person and thing in the world". They have quite a few street performers and some really interesting shops. After dinner we wandered around some to "see the sights". It was an experience. I had a little confrontation with woman because she was following me so closely that she caught the heel of my shoe a couple of times so I moved to the side and told her to go ahead and go. She turned around and asked me what I called her. I really thought that she was going to hit me. I told her that I didn't call her anything but simply told her to go ahead and go. She then said that I needed to "take my junky a** out of Boulder". Kevin stepped closer to me and said something about her looking in a mirror and she backed down and left. Janelle said that with a confrontation with a "street person" our trip to the Boulder Mall was complete. We really did have a good time. We also got to have dessert down there, ice cream from the Ben and Jerry's store.

Sunday was a very long day! Janelle directs the bell choir at her church and she was a little short on players for the service on Sunday morning. Kevin directs the bell choir at our church and I play in it so Janelle asked us if we would fill in with hers. I was really nervous about doing it, in fact, I had nightmares about it Saturday night. We did it anyway. So we got up about 7:00 am and went to practice before the service. It was a real challenge since we were playing a song that I didn't know and only had a chance to practice once from beginning to end and a couple parts in the middle we did a couple of times. I really surprised myself with how I did. There were only a couple of places were I made mistakes but no one seemed to notice. Well with the exception of Kevin who was right next to me, but it was a real boost to my confidence to be able to play as well as I did with as little as I had seen the music. After worship, we had lunch and went shopping for a few last minute items for our trip before heading to the airport.

We arrived at the airport and found that our flight was going to be delayed by almost an hour. That meant that it was going to be a really late flight and we were really afraid that it would end up being so late that it would be canceled. We killed some time and then made our way to the gate. We did actually get to fly out which I was very thankful for but we did not arrive in Seattle until about midnight Seattle time (which is 1:00 am our time). Michael met us there to pick up Amanda and I felt bad that it was so late. We got our rental car, found our hotel, got checked in and finally arrived in our room at about 2:00 am. Very long day for us "old folks".

Monday we got to go down and finally meet Logan in person! What a joy that was! He is so cute and we had a really nice visit with Kristin and him. We hung around Kristin and Nick's condo, catching up on things and ohhhing and ahhhing over the baby until Nick got home from work. Kevin and I took the kids (Kristin, Nick, Amanda, and Logan) to dinner at Rock Pasta. Logan had been really fussy just before we were ready to go to dinner but I held him, rocking, swaying, cooing and got him to sleep. We put him in his car seat and that wonderful little guy slept through the whole dinner allowing his mommy to eat uninterrupted. He started to wake up while we were standing outside visiting a little more after dinner so Nick and Kristin took him home.

Tuesday we had arranged to take all the grandkids to the zoo. We asked Kristin to come and bring Logan so that I could have ALL my grandbabies there with me at the zoo which she did! Oh my! All five of them! What a trip that was! Five little very strong egos. Five little people each demanding the spot light. Five little people with different ideas about where we should go and what we should do. Not including the ideas of the big people (Kevin, Amanda, Kristin and me). It was quite the challenge. All in all, it was a good day. The kids each had their moments of course and we had to talk with them about a few things like staying with us, staying off rocks and fences, not being bossy, you know, normal stuff. But we got to see a lot of the zoo, I think that we saw all the things that each of the kids said they wanted to see. Even with the challenge of having them all together in a public place and trying to keep them entertained and still safe, it was so good to spend the time with them. I had the opportunity to "visit" with each one over the course of the day. They are all growing so fast! I hope that they had a good time and that it is a memory most of them will have for a long time. My only regret in being so far away is not having time with them and my fear that we will not know each other or have the relationship with each other that I would like us to have. I hope that even with the challenge of geographical distance, we will find a way to develop a relationship like I had with my grandparents who also lived halfway across the country.

Yesterday, Beth and Kaden meet Kevin and me at the hotel and we went to Seattle to the Pike Place Market. We spent the day wandering the market and watching for flying fish. Kaden really took to Kevin, when he was not in his stroller, he wanted to hold Kevin's hand or have Kevin carry him. He is growing into quite the little man. He is talking so much more than he was a year ago when I moved. We had a really good day with lots of time to visit as we walked. We eat pizza for lunch in this little corner deli and were able to visit one of the largest spice shops in the world! Kevin had a list of spices he wanted to look for a purchase there and we were lucky that they had all but two of the things he wanted to buy. When you come in, they have clipboards for you to write down your order on and Kaden spent the time following Kevin around and making his own list of items he wanted to purchase. Silly me, if I had been thinking about it at the time, I would have purchased the items on Kaden's list for him to take home but I didn't think about that until after we had left. Next time, I will have to remember to do that. He was so cute at first with that, walking around with his own clipboard, picking out what he wanted, asking what it was and then "writing" it on the paper. Before too long, he got a little bored though and started acting up so Beth took him outside. What a great day!

Today, Kevin and I had planned to have a rather quiet morning at the hotel. We don't have anything planned until about lunch time when we are meeting a friend of mine for lunch. However, today is the day that the hotel decided to test their fire alarms. I was woken up at a few minutes after 8:00 to the fire alarms blearing in our room. Not sure what was going on, we threw on some clothes, grabbed a couple of things and made our way to the front desk where we were told it was just a drill. I had not even had time to use the bathroom after waking up : O . We went ahead and stood outside where it was a little quieter and waited for the alarms to stop blasting. When that finally stopped, we were able to come back in and return to our plan of a somewhat quiet morning and I had a chance to sit down and catch up here. Tomorrow should be a fairly quiet day too which will be kind of nice. We plan to do a little "touring" around so that Kevin can see some of where I grew up and we are going to have lunch with one of my "oldest" friends, a guy I have known since I was in the 9th grade. Then Saturday is my Mom's 80th birthday party and he will get the opportunity to meet a lot of my family. Could be an interesting day. I am hoping that I will get the chance to get some pictures of all my grandbabies since I was not thinking the other day and failed to do that. Sure would be nice to have that picture to remember this time together.

Well, I guess that is about all that has happened in the last few hectic...crazy... fun filled days!

County festival

Last weekend was the county festival. The parade was pretty fun, a real small town parade complete with kids on their bikes decorated with streamers and balloons. It is kind of fun to watch a parade when you know the majority of the people in it. There were food stands, music and craft booths in the park. Amanda was off with her boyfriend almost as soon as the parade was over. Kevin was in the parade with his band kids and then he spent time with his daughter and grandson. I wandered around the park for a bit and had something to eat. They had these really good fried potatoes, funnel cakes, BBQ, baked beans, turkey legs, hamburgers, and the list goes on and on. I had a hard time deciding what to have and finally settled on the fried potatoes to get me started. Then ended up so full from those that I couldn't eat anything else. I checked out the craft booths and found a little something for Logan. It got pretty hot, I got tired and bored, so I went home. Amanda wanted to go to Scott's for a while and Kevin had the final night of the play. I spent the evening with the TV, AC, and playing some computer games.

This week has been really hot, temperatures over 90 degrees for the last 20 days straight and several days recently it has been over 100 degrees. The 20 days straight thing is a new record even for Colorado. For the most part this week has been about trying to stay cool and get ready for our trip to Washington. I am so looking forward to seeing all my kiddos and meeting Logan.

Tonight, Amanda and Scott went to dinner and a movie. Kevin had a long drive today picking up student council kids from leadership camp, so he is napping. Tomorrow, we will be heading up to Boulder before flying to Seattle on Sunday. Will blog as I can while I am gone.

The Play

Last night Amanda and I went to see the Community Player's version of the play "Mame". It was really good and very funny. Kevin was in the orchestra and anytime I get to see or hear him perform I enjoy it but the play last night was so good that I would have enjoyed it even if he had not been in it.

The play is about a young boy named Patrick whose parents die and his only living relative is his "Auntie Mame". He nanny takes him to New York to Mame's house to deliver him and when they arrive there is a party going on. Mame is very into partying, she is known for having a party every night. Right away Mame and Patrick bond and develop a very close relationship. The only problem is that Mame has no idea how to parent, in fact she really has no idea how to do much of anything other than party. This all takes place shortly before the stock crash that set off the Great Depression. Once the depression hit, Mame has to learn how to live life without money until she meets a rich man who falls in love with her and marries her. They go on an extended honeymoon that lasts for years. They travel around the world while Patrick is in boarding school. Mame's husband dies and she returns. Patrick grows up, gets married and has a son. Mame steps in to do all the crazy things with his son that she had done with Patrick.

I know that the way I have described it here sounds really boring but it is so funny! Mame's best friend is a party animal and spends the whole play either drunk or hung over. Watching her is hilarious, you never know when or from where she will drag herself up. The play is filled with non-verbal comedy.

Today has been pretty quiet around here. Amanda's boyfriend came over and we had BBQ chicken at Kevin's house. Yummm that was good! Amanda and Scott played Guitar Hero all afternoon. Amanda and I were going to go to the Rodeo this evening but I decided at the last minute that I really didn't want to go. I just wasn't in the mood and thought that having French toast and a movie sounded better. So that is what we did. Tomorrow is the town parade which I am looking forward to.

Well, enough babbling for tonight... more later.

Another hot day in Colorado

somewhere in the neighborhood of 100 degrees here again today. It is miserably hot... to hot to do anything so not much is happening today. Worked this morning and napped this afternoon for a bit. Now I am preparing to go see a play. Will write more tomorrow and let you know how the play went. Other than that, I just can't think of anything to say today so I think I will call this done.

Technilogically challenged me attempting to learn to Blog...

So here I am upon the birth of my fifth grandchild attempting to learn to Blog. LOL. Logan is now a week old and his mommy has created a blog for and about him so I figured that I better learn what this is all about and how to do it so that I can keep up with things. I went to Logan's blog page, read the stories his mommy (my daughter) wrote about his birth and the days since he arrived and I tried to leave a comment on his page to let them know that I had been there. I found that in order to do that, I had to have a blog account of my own (Lord help me). Creating a blog account lead me to creating a blog profile and of course a blog page of my own. Okay so now the trick for me will be trying to find all of this again so that I can keep things up. Wish me luck on that account but I am going to try.

Today not only have I been challenged with trying to learn about blogging but was challenged with trying to stay cool. It was over 100 degrees here today. Before I left for work this morning at about 9:45 am it was already so hot that I was dripping. Then I got the pleasure of driving a hot, non-air conditioned school bus full of pre-school and elementary school kids to a town about 15 miles away so they could go swimming. I got to sit in the blazing hot sun for an hour waiting for them before returning them to their daycare. It was so hot today that it was almost impossible to do much of anything other than just sit. YUCK! Thankfully we got a little rain this evening so it has cooled things off a little and I am hoping that it will stay a little cooler tomorrow but I am not counting on it.

Tomorrow we are going to go to see a play at the local college. My boyfriend is performing in the orchestra for the play so that should be fun and I assume that the theater will have air conditioning which will be good as well. This weekend our town is having a festival complete with parade, music and BBQ in the park, booths of all sorts, rodeo, and a street dance. This is the first time I have been here for the festival and I am kind of excited to see what it is all about. However I am even more excited about traveling to Washington State in about a week or so in order to meet my newest grandson and to see my other grandkids and my girls as well.

I guess that is about all for tonight. I get to take the kids to the swimming pool again tomorrow since they have lessons 4 days a week this week and next. I sure hope that it is a little cooler tomorrow when we go. Hopefully I will be able to find this all again and blog again soon.